Posted in General

It Is NEVER Reasonable To Expect The Impossible

While explaining why he thinks we should have sympathy for sociopaths, the founder of GoodTherapy.org made this harmfully ignorant statement about people who suffer from even more severe mental impairments. Here’s his quote, and underneath it, I’ll answer with the same comment I left on his article:

“But it is still reasonable to expect sociopaths, or any member of society no matter how unrealistic it might seem, to have cognitive knowledge of right from wrong, to agree to the golden rule even for self-serving purposes, and to control their impulses.”

No, it’s not reasonable. And I’m not talking about sociopaths here, but people who have mental health problems that deprive them of the ability to comprehend things like “the golden rule”, to think critically, or to even control or perceive their own actions.

There are members of society for who these things are not just “unrealistic”; they are literally impossible because they do not possess these mental faculties. It is never reasonable to expect the impossible. Some people (again, I’m not talking about sociopaths) are that far gone, and they are part of our society.

These expectations are not inherently reasonable just because our society depends upon their fulfilment. Instead of acting on our impulse to automatically shun and blame everything and everyone that disrupts social order, we should try to be compassionate of those who cannot follow society’s rules and try to habilitate them or at least put them somewhere where they can’t hurt themselves or others. You’re sane (supposedly), so show at least half of the restraint and intellectual discernment that you demand of others.

Cognitive knowledge of right and wrong requires cognitive ability… and to have attained the knowledge somehow. To agree with the golden rule requires the ability to comprehend it. Controlling your impulses requires being able to control your actions… and being able to perceive them in the first place. Not everyone has these abilities. It is never reasonable to expect what cannot be done.

That’s the end of my comment.

I would also like to add here, though, that the “golden rule” isn’t always conducive to self-service. It actually requires altruism or at least some level of compromise, in most cases, so a sociopath wouldn’t agree with it until/unless it benefits them. Also, people who rely on “cognitive knowledge of right and wrong” tend to conclude that “right and wrong” are relative or subjective. I don’t see how you can actually know right from wrong unless you can empathize with the needs and feelings of others; human intellect can rationalize anything as “right” or “wrong”. So the quote would have still been wrong even if he left out the “any member of society” part.

Posted in Sex

“That’s Not Sexy.” That’s Your Opinion.

Nine out of ten times, when someone says “That’s not sexy”, they’re referring to something that actually is sexy to me. Ten out of ten times, it’s something that a lot of people find sexy. Sexy, by definition, is subjective. It’s defined by a feeling something gives you, not an objective criteria.

You don’t get to claim authority over the word just because most people share your perspective. Your worst nightmares are someone else’s deepest sexual desire. Get over it.

Posted in Love

Receiving Unrequited Love Doesn’t Make Me Feel “Weird”

No, there is nothing wrong with “pining over” someone you love. Not even for life, and not even if your love is unreturned. Unconditional love does not fade and does not require anything in return.

I’ve been on the receiving end of unrequited love before, and no, it didn’t make me “queasy and uncomfortable”. Even if it did, and despite any negative feelings it did cause me, that doesn’t mean the person is doing anything wrong. They cannot choose to stop loving me, to stop wanting me, they are not harming me by doing so, and it isn’t even my business if they aren’t telling me about it.

There is still someone I love and yearn for every day who doesn’t want me back. We haven’t had any contact in four months. It’s absurd to think I’m doing him any harm by privately harboring love and desire for him. Fuck off and stop policing my emotions, society.

Posted in Bodily Functions, Love

I Don’t Want “Mystery” (or Denial) in a Relationship

And if I did want mystery, it would be mystery of the intellectual variety only. Thoughts like, “I wonder what she writes about all day…” and “He’s always so cryptic about his religious views, there’s no telling what he really believes…” would be more fun to ponder than pretending I don’t know what handful of mundane, universal human things you could be doing in the bathroom, or pretending not to know that you expel the same gasses I do with just as endless of a variety of potent smells.

What people describe as “mystery” in a relationship is often just denial/avoidance of obvious universals.

To me, it’s not a real relationship unless we can perform any and all bodily functions together and in each other’s presence with absolute mutual comfort; this is the bare minimum of a true romantic connection, for me.

We should be able to do anything in front of each other, say anything to each other, show each other everything, and view one another in any and every state without either of us ever being even the least bit “turned off”. And even if we are “turned off”, it shouldn’t drive us apart or diminish our attraction, love or intimacy at all. Every experience, even ones we may find “unpleasant”, should bring us closer.

Universal or unique, physical or intellectual; hold nothing back and embrace the fact that I won’t either. Mystery doesn’t allure me at all; clarity does. That is what fuels passion, intimacy, romance, attraction and interest for me. Not to mention trust; knowing we are safe together on every level, and that the more we reveal will only be more to love.

Posted in Love

I Would Stay With a “Self-Destructive” Person

Walking away from someone just so I don’t have to watch them “self-destruct” is not an option for me. I would rather suffer with you than live in blissful blindness of your condition. It wouldn’t even be blissful for me, anyway; out of sight is not out of mind for me when it comes to people.

No matter how much it hurts me to witness you suffer or decay, be it by your own choice or by something you cannot control, I’m staying.

Happiness is not the be-all-end-all for me. Love is. Without love, happiness isn’t worth settling for.

Even if I can’t “fix” you or “save” you, I’m staying. Such unconditional love and unity is the greatest salvation humans can give or receive. Even in misery, I know I am blessed when I am with that person.

Posted in General, Love

“Rudeness” is Not Always Weakness

Eric Hoffer was wrong. “Rudeness” is not always “a weak person’s imitation of strength”. Perhaps disrespect is, but rudeness and disrespect are two different things.

“Rude” is subjective, defined by the social expectations of whatever company you happen to be in at that moment. Different cultures and individuals have different ideas of how we should behave. Behavior that offends some people may be desired by others, and vice versa. Most people consider it rude to fart in front of them, but if we’re alone together, I consider it rude to consciously hold your gas around me. My social desires and sensitivities are not less valid or important simply because they are less popular; they are still based on subjective preferences, just like everyone else’s are.

Disrespect is an internal experience, and how disrespect is shown depends on the person. You can be rude without being disrespectful, and you can be disrespectful without being rude. This is one of the reasons why I reject etiquette. I myself am very good at being blatantly disrespectful towards someone while being perfectly “polite”. I know that people are conditioned to automatically assume that you respect them if you simply follow society’s predetermined rules, and I’ve taken full advantage of that conditioning. They don’t realize that, for me, defaulting to such protocol is an act of disrespect that covers up more acts of disrespect. They even reward me for disrespecting them, all because I did it in a “socially acceptable” manner.

That is, admittedly, an act of weakness on my part. Yes, not being “rude” is weak of me. I use what society calls “good manners” to shield my true feelings and intentions. Generally, I don’t even respect the kind of people who share society’s perspective on “appropriate behavior” anyway. Not only do I always have to wonder whether they are genuinely respecting me or just following protocol, but the rules themselves are so stupid that you have to be inferior to agree with them.

The fact that I can’t be myself around you without judgment doesn’t help with the trust factor, either. Especially since you could be your raw self around me, and even if your natural behavior happens to disturb me, I would embrace and encourage you for it. I would judge your actions by their motives, not by how I personally feel about them. In other words, I’d treat you the way I want to be treated.

When I’m around the people respect (and trust) the most, I let my guard down and behave as my conscience tells me to. My actions come from my heart, not from an adapted list of “appropriate” actions and reactions. The people I fart up a storm around are the people I’d starve myself for to make sure they eat first (and literally have). The people I restrain myself around, on the other hand… if they drop a $100 bill around me and don’t notice for long enough, then I’ll be $100 richer just like that.

Respect me enough to allow me to be myself, and I’ll respect you enough to do so.

It’s easy to disrespect people right to their faces without them even noticing, especially when they’ve already handed you the instructions on how to do it. Manners can be a disrespectful person’s imitation of respect. I can’t fool the people I respect so easily, however. Letting them know the real language of my heart makes me vulnerable, as they’d immediately know that I’m up to something if I suddenly revert to societal convention. Etiquette, after all, is how I disguise my true feelings and intentions.

Here’s an extremely important factor to consider as well: Rudeness isn’t always intentional. Sometimes social rules are broken by accident and/or because the person cannot live up to them at the time. Sometimes social rules are broken simply because the person is unaware of them. These people are obviously not “imitating” anything, and they may have all the respect in the world for those around them but just couldn’t act on it the way they were expected to.

Even intentional rudeness isn’t always disrespectful. A person may defy social convention because they believe it is morally incorrect. When treating you “well” by society’s standards may mean treating you badly by my own, I’m not doing it. If I respect you, I would rather do what I believe is right and face the consequences while my heart is bared and vulnerable. If I don’t respect you, then I’m just going to remorselessly do whatever it takes to get what I want from you with minimal discomfort to myself, even if it means obeying rules that I consider ridiculous, immoral and dehumanizing.

Sure, some people are rude because they think they’re superior to others, or simply don’t care how their actions affect others so long as they get their way. That’s disrespectful, not because of what they’re doing but because of why they’re doing it.

I also believe that some things are inherently disrespectful: like calling someone “worthless”, pretending you love someone just so you can spend their money, attempting to win me over with “good manners” as opposed to acting out of the genuine goodness of your heart, or hypocritically forcing rules on others that are meant to keep you comfortable at the expense of their comfort. All of this stems from viewing someone as a less valuable human being.

Disrespect isn’t weak in and of itself, but I believe acting on it usually is. I’m not exempt from this, either. I think we should just try to avoid the people we don’t respect, and if we can’t avoid them, try to refrain from any impulse to act on our negative feelings towards them.

Rudeness doesn’t always indicate weakness, and certainly isn’t always an “imitation of strength”. It isn’t a “social tantrum”, either, as some idiot blogger on YourTango described it as; I actually use etiquette as a sort of tantrum, as it enables me to lash out at people directly without them knowing. Sometimes rudeness indicates the strength to place one’s principles above the desire for quick and easy social acceptance. Sometimes it isn’t even intended or controllable. In any case, measuring everyone’s “strength” by a concept that changes definition depending on what country, town or house you happen to be in is just absurd.

And remember, folks: Just because a quote is old and popular doesn’t mean it’s true. Even Jesus was often “rude” by society’s standards in His time, but He obviously wasn’t weak, and His specific rules are the only ones we should be enforcing on others. Etiquette itself is disrespectful, as it selfishly demands that others suppress their true natures and even forsake their own values just so we can be comfortable. Oh, the irony.

Posted in Bodily Functions, Love, Sex

Yes, You Can Pee On Someone You Love

This guy I’m screwing has some major hang-ups about his own desires. Long story short: I told him that it’s not wrong to wanna pee in his wife’s mouth; I would want my husband to do it to me. He said something to the effect of: “Well, it’s a catch 22, because someone who loves you wouldn’t do that.”

Um, first of all, not necessarily true. I would pee on/in the mouth of someone I love if they wholeheartedly wanted it. It’s not even an act of degradation or disrespect for me. I don’t see it as “dirty” or morally questionable. For me, it expresses a special kind of unique intimacy and trust that sex and speech cannot quite convey. It’s something I can only do with someone I respect and it’s best with someone I love.

Second of all, dude, you are cheating on your wife with me. Let’s not get started on what you wouldn’t do to someone you love.